Saying Goodbye

Would you understand if I said that I'm a mere human? And one of the lesser ones? As much as I tried to scrape my way upwards to make more of myself, to rise above all the small and frivolous things, I always manage to slide back down. I have also cherished dreams of being big, but I never learned to stop feeling with my heart. You can say I don't have enough scars, yet, that just another hard tap on my nose will fail to bring tears to my eyes.

Petty things still make me jerk up, with widened eyes that crunch with hurt in the next instant, and lower with unwarranted shame. I try to be good, good for not only me, but everyone around me. But it is as if, their failings are all ploughed against me, than them, whose jubilant laughter at my tied hands, make me feel further away from the person I so want to be. All the small things, a small of word of hurt, a sneer, mean little pranks, a loud voice calling me names, a rebuke, I am above them all, aren't I? But how do they still reach out to me, smack me and make my eyes burn? So finally I give up. I have to leave, I'm leaving for the world of anonymity where I will be alone but content. I will have only me to think about me. 

Expectations are the real culprits, I know that just like you do. But I do not know yet how to stop. How to stop loving, stop expecting? All I can say, I need to leave to stop that hope taking birth in my heart, misinterpreting every gesture, thinking you care. I'm saying goodbye because I am not strong enough to let the current play and take me places of hurt where I never wanted to go. I'm leaving behind people I love, I know, and some may even love me back... but the lure of anonymity, the pull of being free of my own expectations for once overcomes me. I'll say goodbye till I can come back greater and bigger... above and beyond being hurt, with no hope, loveless and no expectations of anyone. That is what growing up is all about isn't it? I can't ever return, only a heartless cynic can.